She’s Laughing

I need to lose 75 lbs still… have lost 10 in the past 3 months… to reach my goal. My goal weight is about 5 pounds over my ideal weight. However, I’d be happy if I was within 15 - 20 pounds of my goal weight. I’d be so much closer than I am now!

When I looked at the blog that has postcards with people’s secrets on them, I saw one that could have been written by ME… the one that says, “I’m really scared of losing all my weight because then I will be forced to face my fear of men and have nowhere to hide.”

I’ve told my mom about these feelings. She is very concerned that I’ve not lost weight.. haven’t gained since the divorce, but haven’t lost much, either. Over the past 3 years, I’ve lost & gained back the same 25 pounds once a year. This time I want to lose it, keep it off, and lose the rest of it, too.

I know that keeping excess weight is a way of protecting myself from rejection. Afterall, if I’m not “attractive,” then I’m safe, right? The idea of having men interested in me is frightening. The idea of vulnerability is frightening.

I will be posting these feelings and fears as I work thru them… learning that I’m ok with less weight as armor… and that caring about someone doesn’t have to hurt. I realize that heartbreaks are part of the dating package.. but I’m ready to not be so frightened by it that it’s paralyzing.

Right now, I’m friends with a man who is wonderful. I tend to worry about the fact that he’s younger than me and about my weight. I let these 2 worries overshadow the fact that I really care about him. When I start feeling vulnerable & close to him, I start saying to myself, “Well, this isn’t going anywhere, he’s younger than I am.” I also say, “No one could love/care about me with this extra weight,” when in fact, I know that he looks at who I am.. what kind of person I am, how we get along, my dreams, goals, spirituality.. and not just size. In fact, I don’t think he would care if I never lose weight. When I talk about weight loss goals or plans, he says that if it makes me happy, he’s happy.. but that I shouldn’t stress myself out about it.. just to focus on being healthy b/c he wants me to live a long productive life. Why does that scare me so.. that unconditional acceptance?

When I was married, my ex would say to me (after I’d gained weight with 3 pregnancies in 4 years) that he hated fat people.. that I didn’t need to eat certain foods.. that I should just exercise more like he does (he’s military and exercising is part of his daily routine). He told me that no one would ever love me with his 3 children and that men would only want to use me for sex. I know these things aren’t true.. they aren’t even rational.. but sometimes those words still play in my head when I’m feeling fearful.

As I am on this quest of losing weight and overcoming this fear, I’m going to slay those dragons that the ex put in my path. I’ll look at it as a rescue mission.. rescuing myself from the bondage of those awful words & these constraints (fears) I’ve let imprison me.

Good grief… I’m such a drama queen. No we know where my youngest daughter gets it! Sheesh! lol